before anything i will once again shamelessly plug my myspace music. so go to it.
with Singles Awareness Day coming up (when is Valentine’s day anyway?), the fact that i’ve been writing entirely too many love poems recently (ask to see them, they’re awful, but worth a laugh or two), and the fact that i’ve seen a few of my friends in healthy relationships wherein both partners care for and love each other, I decided I would write a ruminating post about love and romance and all those cheesy things.
boys like me love the concept of love.
but… maybe it’s because ideation and actualization are so fundamentally different, or because we’re afraid, or because any of myriad possibilities, we rarely get our shit together when it comes to love itself. and by we to say, those loveable fuckups who might be able to hook up, might be able to be with someone for a few months, may even have crazy torrid love affairs and fall in love with all the force of volcanic eruptions, but never have a relationship that lasts more than a month. am i a loveable fuckup? is there even such a thing? i guess that’s the worthwhile subject for another blog entry, or for your own input as readers, but i’ve been described as such, and rather like the appellation. btw, this isn’t to say i don’t like my lifestyle, i rather do. there is a an indescribable joy in falling love as if you were jumping off the empire state. but hey, we all get old. maybe i’m ready to settle down. stop laughing, it’s not that funny.
let me elucidate what i mean. who hasn’t heard the hip hop head who wants that ideal girl who deserves wifey status. how many shitty love poems have i written to some unattainable figure that is as out of proportion as barbie, even if not nearly as vacuous. yet, we never end up in something committed… and if it lasts longer than a few weeks, it’s inevitably unhealthy. personally, subconsciously, i realize i tend to drive away women who i believe to be stable, skirting the edges of relationships and preferencing the women who i know i will create stories with. dramatic women who respond to the sense of theatre in my own being, fire personalities who clash with my own in light shows that seem destined to rival the sun itself in intensity. and i’ve seen that happen with many of my friends, that they slowly but surely drive away those women that care about them enough to put up with their shit, in the pursuit of some dramatic fun that always ends up with them horribly drunk and emo in ktown at fucking four o clock in the morning and yelling at their friend who came to pick them up.
i guess on some level, it has to be because we idealize the wrong people growing up. it’s difficult to believe in the reality of deep abiding love when jay only recently hooked up with B and Naz did the nasty with pretty much everyone till only recently finding his woman. let’s not even talk about the bukowskis and ginsbergs of the world. and let’s face it, the cool kids growing up did not have steady relationships. jeebus, how often have we heard that assholes are the ones who get the girls one more time. i fricking HATE that saying (btw, the movie sex drive is retardo. do not watch unless you want to burn your eyes out. cheesy, morally reprehensible and NOT funny.)
maybe more than that is that so many boys like me have been burned. i’ve talked to a coupla guys about why they can’t get their shit together, can’t be in a steady healthy relationship and hella dudes recount something about either the one who got away or the one who burned them so bad it’s like third degree emotional scars.
but i guess there is still beauty in the fact that we so love the concept of love. that at the end of the day, we hold romance, not the valentine’s day kind, but the romance that says that there is something better, that the ideal is possible. and the fundamental hope that maybe, we can get our shit together or find the right girl or whatever it is and be that ideal, as long as this remains alive, i guess we’re still human, not merely sheeple or on haterade, and that is in and of itself beautiful.
what is even stranger is that most of the guys i’ve talked to about this CAN develop strong commitments to women… just never as a significant other. hell, to a certain degree, i’ve seen and experienced a certain dependence, a need for the nurturing and care and slap in the back of the head that the strong women in our lives provide. they put up with our idiocy, listen to us bitch, and occasionally drag us up from the barroom floor. these are the women that we love with such an abiding, incandescent love that even blood sibling-hood could not compare. i guess on some level, you can say i’m trying to rationalize away the misogynistic element of what i’m discussing. or maybe not. maybe i want to enshrine them and hold them in juxtaposition. or maybe i’m rambling.
bless the loveable fuckup. and to all those women whose hearts we break along the way, our sincerest apologies. except to the crazy ones who try to stab us for sleeping with their friend, which we really did not do, those women can go to hell. but really, without the ladies who care about us enough to usher us through the bad times, we’d have wandered even farther from the path than we have, and the bars would have even steadier customers.
(did I just ramble on for like two pages? yes, yes I did.)
can i just say, fucking A bj… why couldn’t you train harder? past that, i am never EVER speaking of this fight again. please do not mention it to me.
oh and DHK got robbed. the judges are either blind or stupid or both. i personally lean towards both.
machida is a demi-god and karate is cool again.
oh and lesson learned, never promise to take care of significantly larger and more belligerent drunk friends late at night. makes for an absolute shit evening.
furthermore, training for the first time in like 2 months is bloody awful. I got swept by like a dude who’s been playing for three months. epic fail.
finally, I will be performing at Umass Amherst on Saturday, February 21, 2009. It’d be dope to see yall there. much love.
btw, is it just me or is there hella teh lulz in the fact that i’m wearing aviators and a tshirt next to beautiful ladies dolled up in ao dai? i feel rather underdressed, but hey i’m an artist, we’re ‘sposed to be able to get away with that shit.