god.
i’ve had a fucking long day running around trying to both get my class schedule and my head together. trying to figure out what direction my life is taking, if any.
at one point in my life, the fires of futile defiance, working class resentment and the ambition that only a cocky young man can have gave me direction, gave me a path on which to walk. as i’ve gotten older, learned to question my assumptions and myself, i’ve lost those motivating factors. self-examination really fucked me. ignorance is bliss and all that plonk.
the last year, year and a half have been their own special kind of hell for me. they’ve seen me in extraordinarily dismal depths. but more than that, more wretched is this sense that this is really and truly the long dark tea time of my soul. and interminable and desolate period wherein this constant weight hangs upon my being.
in short, it sucks. it’s a wretched depressive state that saps life from the limbs and spark from the eye.
and i don’t know how to fix it.
which makes it ever more frustrating.
sorry for being emo, but i am going to force myself to write about something, and what more appropriate to write about now that summer is dieing?
i’ll probably write again tonight. try to use this blog as a soundboard of some kind. better than falling back into whisky and wine, no matter how tempting that sounds.