i’m sitting here listening to moonlight sonata when i should be sleeping. yes, it’s cheesy, overplayed, whatever. but there’s something so… there’s such great depth to that piece of music…
of course there’s the requisite play of moonlight over waves, but i see myself underwater when listening to it. i look skyward, see the palest ghost of a light dance across the water as all around me there is cold, watery darkness. but even here, there is movement, there is climax, denouement, a hundred dramas, a hundred ballets playing themselves within the eddying water.
there’ such tragic anguish at this depth. so much, so many remnants of past loves and past lives, such a murky morass of emotion with no clarity, but with such force, it cannot be denied. will not be. there’s loss and age. there’s the lack of hope except that one moon ray, so far as to be untouchable, almost mocking when one is this inundated in the weight of the world.
fuck man. that piece of music, even in recording, moves me to fucking tears. i walked out when i heard it in real life the first time. makes me wish i never gave up on playing an instrument.
i’m playing this as i write because i’m trying to think through a haze of emotions and exhaustion. it’s been a long night, a long few weeks, a long fucking few years where i’ve been more adrift than i know how to be.
i’m described constantly as frenetic, as too energetic, too talkative, too… much.
there’s so much though. inside me, i have this depth of emotion, this whirlwind that is its own ecosystem, dorothy’s tornado, a hundred worlds, each with its own version of me.
and my mind. always a cacophony of voices, a thousand pulls and tugs and thoughts like rushing subway trains on collisions. sometimes it becomes too much and i literally shut down. last year, i locked myself in my room for two weeks and just crashed. didn’t have anything left at that point. i’m always so anxious, or so i’ve come to understand that world, there’s such a constant torrent in my mind that i can never rest, it never shuts up, just keeps pulling for my attention. i think too fucking much.
and it comes out fucked up. i wish it didn’t. hell it annoys me, there’s just too much for me to keep inside. but then there’s that other part of myself…
i don’t have the metaphor for it. except maybe… it’s deep ocean currents that create hurricanes, or so i understand. movements down where light does not, cannot shine. faults in the earth, painful movements in the terrestrial crust. slow grinding that has lasted since the beginning and will never end. conflict that takes place over a million years, but expresses itself in monsoon force winds and tsunamis, in rushing sprays of water and maelstroms of emotion.
goddamn. this is emo.
i need to stop. i’m rambling. i do that alot. but there’s so much i realize i need to get out before it overwhelms me.
before i go. futilely attempt to quiet the beast so i can sleep…
let me just shout out the sulu series, shout out the performers that graced the stage sunday for our last show and for those who have ever blessed it and laid down an offering on that communal altar.
you helped to save me. or. maybe, you save me for another day. i dodn’t know.
it’s in your loss, like it always is in loss, that i realize how much you meant to me.
goddamn. good night.