but i can just maybe see the first kiss of sunrise o’er the horizon.

and good goddamn, i’m writing again.

but i wanted to continue to talk about love for a moment, mostly as a response to what one of my readers commented on my last post. (btw, people who read and comment are awesome)

love isn’t just suffering. that would be too easy, and would maybe even validate all the thirteen year old emo kids who write godawful poetry about how much pain they are in because of a girl/boy. is their suffering genuine? of course it is… all emotions at that age are genuine. but is that really love? no.

love in my opinion is the willingness to suffer adversity for another human being. how ready one is to put oneself in front of the firing line or the chubby police officer. it is fundamental to the human condition, and like all things that make us who we are, it is at once one of the most heartwrenchingly beautiful and utterly awful portion of the human spirit.

so jail, war, oppression, these are just as fertile grounds for love as any paris night scene or idyllic nuclear home. if anything, they are more so, in that people are constantly called upon to back up what they profess, that they do indeed love and value another more than themselves, enough so as to be willing to put mental, spiritual and physical well being on the line for that other.

maybe i’m wrong. i’m wrong more often than not, but hey. that’s how i see it. or at least how i see it now. because like all ideas, it’ll get reformed and reformed as i age. so maybe, when i’m older, i’ll believe in it not at all, or maybe too much.

btw, the new xmen comics are fucking unbelievably awe inspiring.

once again, i’m stuck in a haze of my own making. it’s been so often these past few months that i find myself in a fugue of alcohol, work and exhaustion.

it’s the only way i can sleep at night.

but the point of this is not to bitch. hell, it doesn’t even reallly have a cohesive point, but rather is an entry point into my efforts at blogging much more.

because, honestly, i feel like i need to write, force myself to do so, or i will go insane. or more so than i already am.

i wonder if anyone reads this. i do all the time. but such is the life of a somewhat cocky young male.

but to get back to the point, this blog post is about love.

then again, everything i write, ever, has been and always will be about love. no matter how sappy that may sound. divorce my conception of love from any hallmark card, saccharine sweet amalgamation thereof. rather, my love, is, as always, born of tears and moonlight, heartache and last breaths. such is and always will be my fate.

love is suffering.

or rather, love is the willingness, the degree to which, one is willing to suffer pain for another. because love is always painful. without suffering, it is meaningless. a mother, a father, they are always willing to suffer for their children, if one can ever deem them good parents.

misery shared is misery halved, or so the wise men say. it is the job of one who loves another to take upon themselves the burden of another’s adversity, and make it their own. because in so doing, they lessen the weight upon the object of their affection.

i’ve always loved with a strength beyond my small stature. is it any wonder then, that i know pain just as well?

i’m a depressive. have been all my life. always will be.

but i hope, pray, wish, that someday, i will be able to overcome the Darkness that stalks me in the night… but will nevertheless retain my capacity for love.

because without great suffering, without building that threshold for agonizing punsishment, a person cannot, and will not, ever be able to truly love another person. such is the fucked up heart of love.

oh and btw, thank you for all those who email me, comment here or hit me up on facebook to tell me they read the blog, and they want me to continue.

you allow me the belief that my work actually matters, that my thoughts count for something.

you keep me sane.

thank you.

or hell, longer than a few words, but i figure making at least a minimal effort is important.

how the hell did i end up wasting another night watching movies, when i should’ve been working on my art? i don’t know. it just seems to happen on its own, even if i know it doesn’t really.

i live a fucking boring life when i’m not drinking.

jiu jitsu tournament in a week so i’m abstaining from sex, drink and rock and roll, those things that inevitably lead me down the road to bad decisions and great stories.

in this abstemious state, i realize that i drink too much. i think i realized that awhile back when i was cutting back on it and felt like shit because of it. but hey.

alcohol, cheers to thee, my mistress, my lover, my spiteful friend.

mainly because i’m too lazy to check the google analytics, and even then, i’m not sure if those reading are actually reading my blog or searched something ridiculous like godzilla porn and randomly found my blog.

but there’s something in the human spirit that enjoys screaming down empty hallways, that lets forth a primal yell into the darkness of the night and the wilderness of the soul.

i guess this blog was mine and is now becoming it again.

we live lonely lives. or at least i do. we’re alone in our heads so much that sometimes it feels like the world fades away andd loses its colour, like life becomes nothing more than a constant blur of faces and repetitive routines meant only to get us through the day or afford us enough time to drown ourselves in the fantasies of tv or korean dramas (god do i love the melodrama).

but at the same time, we desire connection. it’s part of who we are as human beings. so no matter how things fade or become dark, we throw out messages in bottles, screams of defiance into the night air, even knowing no one will hear them.

you scream, i scream, we all scream for ice cream.

so therefore, i will be updating more in the next few days.

not the long, introspective pieces i’ve been writing but smaller posts. i think that way, i will be more consistent. here’s hoping.

which is why i’m forcing myself to write this blog post though i’m not very motivated to do so. without the ability to write, i’m beginning to feel like there’s something missing in my life. maybe that’s unrelated to just the block, but then writing has always been in my life in such a fundamental way that if it’s not the absence of writing, i don’t know what it is.

to structure it more broadly, let’s look at my life, which, contrary to the somewhat emo tone of this piece, i am actually enjoying. i am, for the most part and as much as an ambitious romantic can be, content.

my life is centered around finishing this masters degree of mine and jiu jitsu. i spend 14 hours a week in class + a bunch of hours outside of class doing work for it. i spend 15 hours a week playing jiu jitsu, doing conditioning or being an assistant coach. i spend the rest of my time in between side projects and procrastination. i’m living off of the rather limited budget provided by my stipend and by my side projects. i’m dieting hard and am only cheating a day a week.

this has been good for me in a really core way… i’ve lost 20 lbs and just generally feel healthier. i feel like my jiu jitsu, which is always hella important to me, is getting back to where it was and is actually being improved upon. i’m actually setting myself up to compete at the NAGA in november.

but at the same time, i’m missing three things… or at least i feel that i am missing those things. my writing, my sleep and human connection.

i think the next few weeks will be an effort at finding those things and maybe making myself happy instead of just content.

i’ve been hella fail at the whole updating thing. as a heads up, i will be updating with all the old blog entries that i should’ve finished. sorry.

my brain’s been fried. still trying to process my journey into the mountains and then getting pulled over by border patrol and then summit and then the fucking bay area.

i am writing.

i promise.

i know i need to finish the austin entry, as well as write my entires for the last few days, spent in arizona and utah and in san diego… but i’ve had a crazy, crazy adventure in those days and need a few days to process…

i promise i will catch up before summit…. even if i have to take a day off from adventuring to do so.

oh and btw, if anyone wants a postcard, send me your address.

austin was a great time.

admittedly, i didn’t do many culture things other than music, but i got to do other things that more than made it up. i got to see my homegirl tammy, my jiu jitsu brother mikey, got to play jiu jitsu, got to listen to some awesome music, eat some great food…

and more importantly, i got to hang out with the really awesome family of my friend and fellow bullshidoka john. dude, what an awesome loving family. i think one of the coolest things about doing what i’m doing, is getting to know folks, their lives and their homes.

the family of john

i feel blessed to be taken into folks’ homes this way. to see not just america in geographical terms, but also the people. it’s what makes this trip more than just an excuse to sight see or to get debauched in different places.

john and his wife tammy took me into their beautiful home, introduced me to shane, their kid and generally made me feel like one of theirs. i think i’ve been on the road too long to really be eloquent. don’t get me wrong, my ability to write is still there, and if anything, i’m writing significantly more than i have been… but my ability to communicate through this particular format is kinda weak sauce.

suffice to say i loved that family and i wish i could find more family stays. they’ve been that spice in between my hostel stays that have been really awesome and really framed the entirety of my experience.

john and tammy and shane could not have been more welcoming or sweet. being in that home that was full of love made me miss home, made me miss that nurturing, caring environment. john and tammy say that their lives revolve around their son, and it’s so obvious that it does. they love that kid with a fierce, amazing passion and i just know it’s going to be the subject of my poetry.

me and shane

there really isn’t that much to say… i’m going to let the pictures speak and just remark on them about the rest of my time with the beautiful people i know in austin….

dude, great voice

as always, my experience was bracketed, defined by and constantly associated with music. it underlines everything i do, it highlights everything. i fucking love going to live shows, there’s an energy in live shows that makes me so happy all the time. this picture and the next few are all from my first night in the city, when me, john, and mikey, my jiu jitsu brother went out to 6th street.

mikey and john

the boys on the strip known as 6th street

the next day was mostly devoted to fixing my baby, the laptop that i’m writing this blog on currently, because its screen was cracked. you obviously don’t

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