goddamn it has been a long month.

which is why i only got 8 days into the poetry project before giving up. too caught up in too many things to keep it going. my personal life is all a shambles, my school life is overburdened. and to top it off, i lost a month and a half of work on my thesis because the file got corrupted and is completely irrecoverable. luck loves me.

but imma keep my head down and bull through. i can’t wait till i finish, graduate and go apeshit. go back to the gym, get prepped for a competition at the end of the month. god i’m going to enjoy feeling tired from physical activity.

i’ve given up on the poem-a-day project for the simple fact that my everyday life has to take priority… and because i realize i really really hate posting poems that aren’t polished. such is life.

wish me luck.

i’m the type of poet who writes in great spurts. and i am currently hella blocked, so no new poems until i can get over it. because of this, here’s two old poems, slightly done up to presentable. appropriately enough since it’s a horrible, nasty, get into your bones wet and windy day, i’ve decided that they’ll be love poems. as happy as i ever write ‘em.

big smiles.

even when you want to cry.

oh… and if’n you’re interested, i should be there and it’s dope as heo… the apia summit. a great gathering of artists and just generally dope people. and dude, it’s in the bay area this year. how dope is that?

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jokes

the imperfections of our bodies
give shattering testimony
to the perfection of the moment

shared knowledge
of sex
being too sacred
a meeting
to be had
without laughter.

touch is a ghost, is
a memory, is flame
and salty sweet moisture,
is the tracery
of sparks

touch whispers,
touch grips fluidly
and straddles
the fault lines
between
pain, pleasure
playfulness.

no self consciousness, not now
when we lose track
of limbs, the parts
yours that become mine
mine that become yours.

for an instant
entwined, no
me without you, identities
defined only in relation.

and then i rolled off.

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untitled

my fingers walk the outline
of your silhouette, trace the tightropes
holding our tenuous miscommunications,
trusting in our unspoken tensions to hold us up.

we sequester whispers in the corners
of half-hearted smiles

furthermore, the twins can write. really well. they have a blog called mousybabe that i’ve only recently discovered but will be a regular reader of from now on. between their ability to bring observational and self-deprecating humour together and their penchant for taking really great pictures, they’re one of the better personal blogs i’ve seen. they also have a conversational tone that i like, but without bordering on the inane that i have a bad tendency to do. c’est le vie. and yes, i think i’m in love,

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so tonight was yet another sleepless night… or at least one that was full of teh undersleep. i hit 4 hours and woke up automatically and couldn’t fall asleep again to save my life. it’s getting epic, as i’ve tried everything from that ole loveable standby – whisky, to concoctions of a more chemical nature, like benadryl and sleeping pills.

nothing seems to work for more than a night. which is becoming a problem because i’m getting run down here folks.

school is kicking me arse, as it is meant to do. there are wayyy too many things to get done and too little time to do it, especially while trying to remain sane. but that’s the game, and if nothing else, i’ve always been a player.

i just wish i had more time for jits. haven’t played in too long and that’s taking its toll, both physically and spiritually. but again, sacrifices must be made.

which is what i want to talk about on some level, the idea of sacrifice and its relation to love.

my father told me that ain’t nothing in life free, nothing freely given except among family, that life is obligation. one must always be willing to sacrifice in order to fulfill one’s obligations – as a man, as soldier, as a student, as a son. furthermore, implicit in this is an understanding that all of this must come from love, that all sacrifice, at its heart is about love, be it for community, for country, for flag, for family or for lady love.

i have my issues with che guevara, quite a few actually. i don’t idealize or valorize him like so many young twenty something new yorkers do (knowingly or not), but the man did have a gift for words, so i’ll quote him here. i’ll quote a few others as well, because i’ve always been one obsessed with the idea of love and all that comes with it.

“At the risk of sounding ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by feelings of love.” – Che

““Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

Three extraordinarily disparate sources, three different angles on the concept of love. And in my estimation, all of them completely right. love is that fundamental human force that allows us to be more than ourselves, that can build us to our greatest height and bring us to our knees and even lower.

love exists at the locus of almost every action and is the source of some humanity’s ability to renew its faith in itself. there are such moments of nobility and grace within the human creature, driven by this existential phenomenon we like to call love, that maybe, just maybe, it makes up for all the ugliness that is exists like a rot at all of our cores. and beautifully enough, one of the things that i feel is most noble about the human beast, its ability to willingly sacrifice itself and its interests for others is motivated by nothing else but love. or maybe i’m just a wild eyed idealist.

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taking care of some biz, i wanted to shout out my homegirl in michigan, stephanie nguyen, a dope person and a talented artist. she introduced me to this entire world of asian beauty blogs and networking that i will eventually end up writing something about. as is, i’m still too tripped out by the whole thing to completely process it.

as an artist, she works in crystal and metal, making jewelery including necklaces and earrings that are really gorgeous stuff. you should check her out, especially boyos looking for last minute valentine’s day presents. she’s also sponsoring me and i’ll soon be rockin’ her gear.

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finally, i just want to give yall a heads up that i will be changing up some of the poems soon, as i realized that a lot of these are old and not representative of my newer body of work.

oh and anyone who is interested in a kind of semi-critical discussion on hipsterism should go here.  i will be addressing that in a future blogpost, sooner or later. i agree with some of the points therein, disagree with many more, and personally see it in a much more hopeful manner than the author does. then again, i’m more than willing to admit i’m hipster scum. c’est le vie.

oh, and keep those ASIAN/AMERICAN WOMAN EXPERIENCES AND STORIES COMING.

peace and love.

life is a hundred loves, a hundred broken hearts and the songs we sing in between.

ps. i know i need a digi camera. if anyone has a lead as to a cheap but decent one, hit me up homies. oh and if anyone knows how to replace a laptop keyboard… cuz mine’s fucked and as a writer, it’s kicking me arse.

Which is one of the best things about coming home, the availability of food. As someone who lives by himself, one of New York’s many lonely, I just don’t have the same availability of food at home as I do when I’m in my parent’s house. It’s amazing to have 24 hour takeout, but sometimes, it’s just amazingly nice to have momma’s cooking right there, in the fridge, outside your bedroom door.

Yes. I will admit it, I am becoming gloriously fat. Food, how I love thee.

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I figure I might as well ask all of you this because I seem to be asking everyone around me: what should my next haircut be?

I’ve done bald, crew, mohawk, fauxhawk, reversehawk, weird shit shaved into my head. I’m thinking of maybe doing a mullet or a horse mane, or even hipster hair and just let it grow out.

Suggest what you will, with these caveats…

no really long hair. i just can’t do it. it takes too long and in the process it just annoys me. i would end up shaving my head before i could get something like a ponytail or a top knot together.

no weird colors. i like my black hair.

no braids. my hair is hellllla soft. i don’t think it would braid, and even then… i don’t wanta have to grow out my hair as long as i would need to.

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congratulations to all my roninathletics brothers who’ve received their promotions. hellllla more color on the mats. all the promotions, overdue and well deserved.

i recently went back to boston for the holiday and when i was there, i got to train with my black belt, Dave Ginsberg. after my usual arsekicking, i was surprised with a promotion. i am now a one stripe blue belt. dope.

i am forever talking about jiu jitsu, i know. but i really do you think that all of you should try it at some point. the kinesthetic meditation allows for is just one of the many benefits that makes you understand why so many of us put so much time and effort into playing this sport.

it takes a long time to get your blue belt, your first belt in jiu jitsu. it takes a lot of grueling work just to slowly advance to the point where you have any idea of what you’re doing, much less to get your blue. i’ve played jiu jitsu for two years now, just about, and i can honestly say, without jiu jitsu, i wouldn’t be the person i am. i think i’m a stronger, smarter, calmer and healthier person because of this sport become passion.

now… if only i had more time to play. but such is the life of a student in nyc. but it makes you think, what is dope about jits that it makes, hella busy, want to spend all my freetime playing it.

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Last minute edit,

I’m thinking of putting together a chapbook, both as merch and as a way of physically having a chronicle of my journey as a poet.

How many of you folks would buy it if i priced it at ten? at five?

how many poems do you want in it?

finally… are they any poems that you especially wanta see in the chapbook?

and for that i’m sorry. things have been hectic and i’ve been running around like a chicken-clown, juggling a hundred balls with me head chopped off. if that’s not one hell of a mixed metaphor i don’t know what is.

but i will do better. i have the ability in me to do better and so i shall.

but to make up for being slow with posting… i’ll post a completely draft poem, so that you can watch the editing process over time. aren’t you special? front seat to the creative process.

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let’s walk the slope
of crashing line graphs

find each other
at the ends of loss projections

dance and swagger
on trading floors
awash with stolen dreams
the effluence of stymied greed
coked and caffeinated fear.

we’ll laugh
when others would cry

build bonfires
with stock receipts
and whiskey drenched bar stools

our rage, righteous
partially at our own impotence
fuel for our lovemaking.

we’ll bring new meaning
to the tears already wept.

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i have a few shows that i’m negotiating now, so i might be coming to a school near you soon. but if you’re connected to your school’s asian am clubs or spoken word clubs or any other organization, throw me an email, bring me out. it’ll be beautiful to come and see ya’ll, party it up and build together. building together should probably be ahead of partying shouldn’t it? then again, i /am/ a vietnamese boy from boston.

but for all of you that are reading, thanks for reading. yall are beautiful. i don’t deserve you. but damn will i ever try to deserve you.

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so i didn’t compete. had a school thing come up last second. which is awful considering i dropped the weight. but such is life.

i just wanted to shout out my team though, as we have multiple new blues, a new purple and have had a bloody bunch of visitors. my black belt, dave ginsberg, came out from boston, ran an amazing seminar at NYU. Christian Graugart from Denmark came through. I’ll be posting the videos of me getting me arse whooped so that you can enjoy. Ronin Athletics, my gym has been doing amazingly well in competition. if you’re in NYC and looking for a jits/mma school, you should definitely check us out. any questions, you can ask me or ask Christian Montes, our instructor, who’s hella open, hella inviting and a goddamn good teacher.

Ronin Athletics

Christian Graugart’s dope jits/mma blog

now… videos of me getting whooped and being demonstrated upon…

at the beginning.

vinh as a dummy

peace and love for now.

hit you up soon with more updates.

happy turkey day. eat well. drink merry.

I’m at 158 right now… and ideally, i’d want to compete at 139. 17 days, almost twenty lbs, the problem is obvious. i honestly believe that i could do it, cut that much weight…

if i had the time. life is a busy beast. if it weren’t, than i’d call it empty or boring. grind-ful and drama ridden and crazy my life may be, but never empty or boring. so i can’t cut the weight. i’ve decided that for my own good, i’m not even going to attempt it. on some level, with the sheer amount of work i have coming up, between poetry and shows and school, i probably shouldn’t be competing.

but like everyone else, i need something to look forward to. some goal with which to ground myself in the every day and to work towards. some connection to put my head back in the game of living. so it looks like i am going to try and compete on nov 8th. but because i don’t have as much time for training with my horribly busy school and life schedule, not enough time to get into the gym, but hey. such is life. if i compete and do well with my schedule being like that, than i truly deserve to be where i’m at.

along those lines, this is the workout i’m going to try to do at home in mornings and evenings, in addition to going to yoga and training whenever i can. i’m going to try to sweat and workout a little everyday, so that the eventual 10 lb cut to 149 will be an easy, no stress cut. sitting in a sauna all day is not my idea of a good time.

5 gi pullups
10 front pullups
10 back pullups
10 seconds grip switch pullups
20 bicycle crunches
10 hindu pushups
10 hindu squats
30 second leg raise

three sets of that every morning and every evening should allow me to be in better (not good) shape for when tournament time comes in.

along those lines, i’m going to cut carbs, including alcohol and eat cleaner… no more mamoun’s or sweet sweet whiskey. try and eat healthy in general, cut out anything that’s really bad for me… try to go to sleep much earlier, if i can. it’s awkward isn’t it, that i need the spectre of getting my arse kicked to actually get my life a little bit healthier.

which gets me to the last thing i wanted to talk about in this post… how pain and competitiveness and the chance of getting hurt or getting your arse kicked is such a good motivator. it touches something really and truly primal in yourself that grounds you to the present and the real. it pushes you to do more, to reach for things that you normally couldn’t touch because you didn’t have the motivation necessary.

it’s one of the things that allows humans to be more than themselves.

which is why it’s dope.

when i hit the zone, i’m so calm. i’m so grounded in the placement of my limbs and in how my body moves and how my opponent’s body moves that the world reduces. i need that. my mood is determined by it. jiu jitsu is religion and crack all rolled into one.

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one of my favorite reasons for living in new york city is actually giving me the fucking scares. everywhere i go, wlaking down the street, the shit i overhear is always hilarious and poignant and somewhat interesting. snatches of conversation are always great places to start poems.

but recently, i hear so many snatches about the shitty economy and about things tanking and about sacrafices needing to be made. it’s horribly depressing. everyone in the city is so worried, rightfully so. a huge chunk of the city’s economy and finances are based on the financial sector, and the financial sector has the largest multiplier effect in the city. with the FIRE industries tanking, the city on some level tanks.

but even as this gives me the willies, i am heartened. because this is new york city, and there’s something amazing about the fact that everyone is so willing and ready to deal. to face reality and to understand that when the fecal matter hits the rotary impeller, things need to be done. if any place in the world is ready, and no place really is, new york is ready for the worst. because new york is the greatest city in the world. its people are well informed, well educated and tuned in. its people love it. i love it.

take that paris. london. tokyo. shanghai. beijing. dubai.

on a more serious note, as some of my friends will know, i’ve been going nutso recently, too much school and too much stress and not enough jits. i’m a worrier, what can i say? and i need jits to really allow me to open myself as a human being i believe.

but hard physical activity, physical activity that pushes you and really forces you to exert yourself in a fundamental way, that’s all crack to me. i went into yoga angry and upset and not in a good place. i came out feeling so much clearer and happier and so much less angry.

i feel like it’s ;fundamentally natural for us to be in touch with our bodies and that all the bs of everyday life puts us out of touch with that, so when we get a chance to get back in touch with our bodies and just allow ourselves to soak into the sensation, we’re getting back to something more full of teh troof.

anyone wanta go to free yoga with me?